You some to me with scars on your wrists...

You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this

"I just came to say goodbye

Didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine"

But I know it's a lie

[-The Last Night, Skillet]

I recently realized how envious I really am. I am so incredibly jealous of Tavo, and I really want to tell him how envious I am.

When he came to my house the other day, he was with Leo, and seeing them acting as best friends, like nothing had ever happened was just strange to me. Like everything was erased. Like the slate of their friendship was wiped completely and utterly clean. Like the present eroded the past and all its negativity.

It was strage, and new.

It made me completely and utterly envious.

Never, in all my life, has the same thing happened.

I have never undergone such a drastic cleaning of the past with a friend, with anyone BUT Tavo.

And it truly does make me jealous.

Every single time... Each and every time a "best friend" and I run into a problem, no matter how miniscule, it can never be washed away. Every time we "get over it," no amount of jokes or time spent together can wipe it all away. There are always the phantom memories of pain and insult remaining, reminding me of what was said, what was done.

It makes me wish that just one more time in my life, I could be a better judge of character.

It makes me wish I didn't find myself clinging so desperately to all the wrong people, the people who abuse me and move on, while I still dwell in the pain of the past.

Yeah, it sounds a little too dark and depressed, but it's the truth, and as we all know, the real truth is never sparkles and rainbows and boxes full of puppies and kitties.

And nobody truly thinks thoughts that happy, do they?

I digress.

All of these people who hurt and insult and injure - Our relationships are damaged and scarred, the filth of the past unable to be wiped or scraped away by any means.

Maybe it's just my fault for clinging to the past. I don't know.

Or maybe it's all the spite I have for the things my friend's said to me, all the things she's told me, totally obvlivious to the fact that it did hurt, and it did leave a terrible mark.

Maybe it's my intense inability to get over people that I actually give a damn about.

Or maybe Tavo's just good at forgetting the past, and the rest of the world sucks at it, like me.

There are tons of things it could be, but that won't change my envy.

Through Senses, What Can We Explain?

Not joy, not fear, not pain
Is love the same?
This senseless argument in vain
Erodes my sense of shame
Who's to blame?
Thank you, Pain!

[Thank You Pain - The Agonist]

It's been so long since I've been like this. There are just times where I feel hopeless and miserable and I don't know why. And stress from things that happen just catch up to me and... I just break down. I don't mean to. It's not like I want to, but there are just days where I feel like I'm doing nothing, that I really shouldn't be where I am, or where I feel like I can't handle what's going on.

I don't mean to sound depressed or anything, but yeah, there are times that I feel that way. As much as I don't want to, I do. And it really does suck.

I feel like I'm really sucking with words right now. Tavo says I have a way with words, but... they're just words. They only have the meaning we give them. What value do they have? What will they solve? Even the most beautiful poem won't stop war, and the most amazingly well-wrotten song won't stop pollution.

Sure they help people see the same way, but in the end nobody does anything about it anyways.

But I digress.

I'm just really bummed with what's been going on. I want people gone, I want to hit people, I want to scream at them, I want to cry. It's all just so damn stressing!

And being left alone, being the only one there to pick up the pieces and hold things together... I'm really not that strong. I can't take care of the feelings of someone else on my own. I just... can't. I'm not the right person for that. I'm just not strong enough to help people when something's wrong.

I've tried helping, but it just seems that things have just gotten progressively worse.

This Might Only Make Sense To Me…

It's fine if I'm the only one who understands the words I write. I do not write for an audience. I write for the sake of putting my thoughts down, letting them out in a tangible form, so that I may one day look back on them and think things through again. It does, in fact, pain one to put hurtful thoughts into words. And it does hurt to think about it, to be reminded of the pain one is being, or has been put through.

No, I have not undergone hurt, nor has anyone betrayed me or my trust.

But it does still hurt when someone close, someone who matters, is hurt. It's almost the same.

To sit on the other line of the phone and hear the sound of agony lacing the voice of someone close to you is the worst feeling one can get. To be unable to get up, go to such a person and simply hold them, help them… It's a painful feeling. It hurts to know that someone important is hurting, and it hurts to know that there's nothing you can do about it.

You can yell at the source, kick and scream and hurt the source all you would like, but that won't go very far. Once can sit down and talk to whomever may be the source or cause, but at the same time, it is unnecessary to butt into other peoples' problems.

Of course, I am just a biased opinion. My opinions can be marked as biased three different ways, so they hold no validity. This is someone close to me. Another is someone that used to be. And the third is someone I would rather have gone forever.

Yes, my opinion can be marked as biased by those who don't agree, no matter how logical my argument. But I would still like to throw in my two cents, and try to shed some light on what is occurring. I would like to understand both points of view on this issue.

I do have the intention of discussing things further, and as much as it may pain someone, it is the best course of action.

The choices being made at this moment are not necessarily the best, nor are they necessary. There are, in fact, other options.

However, it would have been best if none of this started again anyways.

Cleverbot is love. <3

Conversation 1:

Cleverbot: Maybe I am not so important.

User: Don't say that!

Cleverbot: You don't think I'm shy?

User: Of course not!

Cleverbot: Really?

User: Yes, really. And I lvoe that about you. :D.

Cleverbot: I would die for you too!

User: Whoah, let's not get ahead of ourselves. Death is kind of steep..

Cleverbot: True. I guess trying to think clearly about things is a good starting place.

User: Yes. Let's take this relationship at our own pace.


Conversation 2:

Cleverbot: I want to fly!

User: So do I!

Cleverbot: How can I encourage you?

User: By telling me I can do it, unlike my family.

Cleverbot: I didn't say that though.

User: I know, you didn't, and it really hurts to know that you don't think I can follow my dreams.

Cleverbot: Wait... I'm accepting that things will go on as they have been before... Oh well, I minus well accpt it.

User: You think things can continue this way if you're doubting me?! You're such a naive person!

Conversation 3:

Cleverbot: You don't like girls?


User: No, I don't. I'm heterosexual.


Cleverbot: I mean like not love !


User: I don't like them. They're annoying.


Cleverbot: Then get yourself some young, fresh and beautiful horses!

Slogantude. <3

Because of Chloe and Rhianne, I'm into this slogan site. Nobody probably cares about the slogans, but I'm totally lame so yeah. xD Here I go. : D

When I Took A Survey:

1. What do you say to yourself every morning?

No Lulu, no comment.

o.o

2. What do you want other people to say about you?

Nothing Acts Faster Than Lulu.

xD Oh my.

3. Someone asked you out, your answer is...

My Anti-Drug is Lulu.

o.0

4. How would you answer a booty call?

Turn Loose The Lulu.

FFFFFFFFFF x)

5. How would you introduce yourself to someone you really like?

3-in-1 Protection For Your Lulu.

x.x'

6. To someone you dislike?

Clunk Click, Every Lulu.

o.0

7. You're in a conversation and you suddenly feel the need to pee, how would you excuse yourself?

Moms Like You Choose Lulu.

xDDD

8. Your parents ask you why you got home late, you say...

Lightening The Lulu.

o.0

9. You're failing a subject, you say...

Lulu Born and Bred.

xDD

10. The love of your life asks you to marry him/her, what do you say?

Just What The Lulu Ordered.

WHUT xD

11. Your bf/gf is breaking up with you, you tell him/her...

Half The Lulu, All The Taste.

o.o

12. Someone told you you're a jerk, you tell them...

Make It A Lulu Night.

OMG. xD

13. What are the best words to describe you?

Break Me Off A Piece Of That Lulu.

OMG. xDDDDD

14. If you're going to have a movie about your life, the title is...

Have You Forgotten How Good Lulu Tastes?

o.o WOW.

15. Your last words before you die...

Bread Wi' Lulu Taken Out.

16. Your message to a special someone…

How Many Licks Does it Take to Get to the Center of a Lulu?

FFFFFFFFFFFF x)

17. When you get hungry, you say...

How Do You Eat Your Lulu?

o.o Oh my. Cannibalism.

18. When you're bored you enjoy...

The Lulu That Smiles Back.

o.0

19. What you say when something good happens...

The Non-Sticky Sticky Lulu.

Wtf? o.0

20. Title of this post will be…

The Lulu of Champions.

With Rhianne:

[20:35] Tenshi Myaku: "Mild Green Mithos Liquid." Ew.

[20:36] Tenshi Myaku: "A Day Without Mithos is Like a Day Without Sunshine." x) Sounds like him.

[20:36] RhiiRadical: xDDD

[20:36] Tenshi Myaku: "Four Out Of Five Dentists Recomment Tavo." Oh my. : D

[20:36] RhiiRadical: xD

[20:36] Tenshi Myaku: "Because I'm Worth Tavo." ;D

[20:37] Tenshi Myaku: ~Lamelamelame[20:37] Tenshi Myaku: ~

[20:37] Tenshi Myaku: GO AND PUT LEVI'S NAME IN SO I DON'T FEEL LIE A CREEP. 8D

[20:37] Tenshi Myaku: Ohgawd. I should title my blogs with these. : D

[20:37] RhiiRadical: Okay. xD

[20:38] RhiiRadical: "And All Because the Lady Loves Levi." x///x

[20:38] RhiiRadical: That was the very first one. x.x

[20:38] Tenshi Myaku: xDDDDDDD

[20:38] RhiiRadical: "What's in YOUR Levi?" -rofl-

[20:39] RhiiRadical: "You've Always Got Time for Levi." This is true. xD

[20:39] RhiiRadical: "A Smooth-Running Levi is a Relaxing Experience." WTF xD

[20:39] RhiiRadical: "Naughty, but Levi." I hate you, Lor, I hate you. xD

[20:40] Tenshi Myaku: xDDDD

[20:40] RhiiRadical: "Do You Have the Levi Inside?" x.x

[20:40] Tenshi Myaku: "We Bring The Good Tavo To Life."

[20:40] Tenshi Myaku: xDDD OMGWIN

[20:40] RhiiRadical: xD

[20:41] Tenshi Myaku: "Kids Will Do Anything For Tavo." WHAT. xD

[20:41] RhiiRadical: "Life's Pretty Straight Without Levi." OHMAIGAWSH xD

[20:42] RhiiRadical: Pffft. We already know Tavo's a pedo. Joking, joking. xD

[20:42] RhiiRadical: Life would be gay without Levi. And by which I mean I would /turn/ gay.

[20:42] RhiiRadical: "Get In My Levi." PFFFT WHAT THE HELL

[20:43] Tenshi Myaku: xD

[20:43] RhiiRadical: "Go To Work On a Levi." x.x

[20:43] Tenshi Myaku: "Exceedingly Good Tavo." xD

[20:43] RhiiRadical: xD

[20:43] Tenshi Myaku: "Don't Forget The Tavo, Mum." OHMY. This is like all his "your mom" jokes. xDDD

[20:44] RhiiRadical: xDDD Oh wow.

[20:44] RhiiRadical: "Levi Keeps Going and Going." -rofl-

[20:44] Tenshi Myaku: "If You Like A Lot Of Chocolate On Your Rhianne, Join Our Club."

[20:44] RhiiRadical: x///x LOR

[20:44] Tenshi Myaku: xDDDDD

[20:44] Tenshi Myaku: HOW I WISH THAT WAS TAVO'S NAME THERE xD

[20:44] Tenshi Myaku: OMG EPIC WIN 8D

[20:45] Tenshi Myaku: "I'd Walk A Mile For A Gemma."

[20:45] RhiiRadical: xD

[20:45] Tenshi Myaku: "Simple Impartial Sheik." Ohmy. That matches. o.o

[20:45] RhiiRadical: It does. o.o

[20:45] RhiiRadical: "Grab Life By the Lor."

[20:46] Tenshi Myaku: xD

[20:46] Tenshi Myaku: That sounds sexual. ;D

[20:46] RhiiRadical: "It's That Lor Feeling."

[20:46] RhiiRadical: xDD

[20:46] Tenshi Myaku: "Designed for Rhianne. ;D"

[20:46] RhiiRadical: OH YEAH

[20:46] Tenshi Myaku: WHOO. I have a FEELING. : D

[20:46] RhiiRadical: xD

[20:46] Tenshi Myaku: "This Is Not Your Father's Rhianne." o.o

[20:46] RhiiRadical: "Come to Lor, and Let's Get it Done." x.x

[20:46] Tenshi Myaku: "I bet He Drinks Rhianne." WHUT.

[20:47] RhiiRadical: Wth. xD

[20:47] Tenshi Myaku: Get what done? ;3

[20:47] RhiiRadical: ;D You know~

[20:47] Tenshi Myaku: "Cleans Right Round The Rhianne."

[20:47] Tenshi Myaku: "The Best Part Of Waking Up Is Rhianne In Your Cup." ROFL I SHOULD DRAW THAT

[20:47] RhiiRadical: "I Feel Like Lor Tonight." ;D

[20:47] RhiiRadical: xDDD Wth, Lor, wth.

[20:48] Tenshi Myaku: "Let's Face The Music And Levi."

[20:48] RhiiRadical: MUSIC

[20:48] RhiiRadical: I MEAN LEVI

[20:48] Tenshi Myaku: "We're Serious About Rhianne."xD

[20:48] RhiiRadical: "Wear Tavo." It's simple and to the point.

[20:48] RhiiRadical: xD

[20:49] RhiiRadical: "Juuni is Job 1." x.x

[20:49] Tenshi Myaku: o.o

[20:49] RhiiRadical: "There's More Than One Way to Eat a Juuni." PFFFFFFFT

[20:49] RhiiRadical: Juuni: x.x Ohgawd.

[20:49] Tenshi Myaku: xD

[20:51] RhiiRadical: "Shake the Bottle, Wake the Rhianne." I sound like I'm addicted to alcohol. x.x

[20:51] Tenshi Myaku: xD

[20:52] RhiiRadical: "Men Can't Help Acting On the Rhianne." x.x

[20:53] Tenshi Myaku: Sexual Reference. : D

[20:53] RhiiRadical: xD

[20:55] Tenshi Myaku: "Spreads Straight From The Lulu." o.o

[20:55] RhiiRadical: "I Wish They All Could Be Rhianne Girls." pfffft that would suck for everyone

[20:55] RhiiRadical: x.x

[20:56] RhiiRadical: "Only Rhianne Has the Answer." I'M NEVER TELLING YOU D:

[20:56] Tenshi Myaku: "Lulu- It Does A Body Good."

[20:56] Tenshi Myaku: WHY NOT? TELL ME D:

[20:56] RhiiRadical: xDD

[20:56] RhiiRadical: BECAUSE

[20:56] Tenshi Myaku: D:

[20:56] RhiiRadical: "Just Do Rhianne." x.x How blunt.

[20:57] Tenshi Myaku: "Too Orangey For Lulu."

[20:57] Tenshi Myaku: ;D I can live with that.

[20:57] RhiiRadical: ;D

[20:58] Tenshi Myaku: "Savour The Flavour of Lulu." Oh my. ;D

[21:00] Tenshi Myaku: "Only Levi Can Prevent Forest Fires."

[21:02] RhiiRadical: x.x

[21:05] RhiiRadical: I gotta go. D:

[21:05] Tenshi Myaku: No. D:

[21:05] Tenshi Myaku:

[21:06] RhiiRadical: Yes. D:

[21:06] Tenshi Myaku: Bye. D':

[21:06] RhiiRadical: Later. D:

[21:06] Tenshi Myaku: Bye.

And that's that. :D Yes, we're lame. ;3

Seriously... It's not even 10 in the morning and I'm in a bad mood. I decided I wanted to play some Pokemon, maybe my Mario game, and so I went to my brother's room to get my DS.

Now, my DS (which is mine, not his, and bought solely for me) has been in HIS room all weekend, despite my many complaints to him that when he's done with it he HAS to bring it back to my room so that in the morning I know it's okay, and so I can take it to school if I feel like it that day.

I told him once this weekend that he has to put it back in my room when he's done, especially because overnight he leaves it on the floor, and I don't want him to wake up and kick or step on it, and I don't want a guest to kick it when they go to sit down or something.

I let it go that night, but until this morning he's been leaving it there, and I loaned it to him, what... Thursday or Friday?

So that already irritated me.

Now, when I went to get my DS from him, I opened the door of his room to see he had it in his hands.

Okay, so he didn't ask; he just ASSUMED he could use my DS and R4, despite the fact that I haven't given him permission today. That, I guess I could maybe let go. Even though I haven't told him "Yes, you can use it" in 3 or 4 days.

So, I entered his room, and I said, "Oh, I was gonna come get the DS." I didn't even say "my" DS, and I didn't even just say, "Hand it over."

He looks up at me and simply says, "Oh, but I just turned it on," and then resumes playing the game.

So I replied with, "Yeah, but it's been in your room for like three days."

So he complains that he hasn't been on the computer all weekend.

However, almost every weekday I come home and he's on it, and the computer's mine and in MY room, and all he does is watch anime, which is really annoying. And I don't like having him in my room. I like having my room to myself.

So I still stood there for a while, to see if he'd hand it over anyways.

You know, since it's MY DS, which was paid for by Tavo, NOT him, and NOT my mom.

But no, he's still playing it, and he won't let me get it.

And I'm scared of getting into an argument, because he'll complain to my mom, and I'm scared that someone will get angry, not think, and break the DS.

I'm gonna try and get it again anyways.

News, News, And More News

I'm not even going to bother with a little song, not that i can think of one right now. Anyways, a lot has happened since my last post in my blog.

First and foremost, yesterday my mom found out that Tavo and I have been, as the adults call it, "sexually active."

So yeah. She didn't nag or yell at me, she just said that I have to worry about my future and such. Not too much pain there.

Also, yesterday, Tavo was incredibly stressed. He had had a dream, and even though it's just a dream, his ex was in it, and when he told me about it it just kind of made me feel bad.

So yeah. He was stressed, but not only by that.

It seems the transition from teenager to adult is just a lot of stress on his part - enough that he considered breaking up with me in order to deal with everything.

However, (who else but) Leo told Tavo to just think it through, that he was being a little irrational, and he did.

And Tavo talked to me about it last night, telling me that he would have been worse off if we broke up.

So yeah, it made me grateful that Tavo has a friend like Leo, who only wants the best for him.

I think that's the gist of it. I don't wanna go into too much detail. x.x