You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
"I just came to say goodbye
Didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine"
But I know it's a lie
[-The Last Night, Skillet]
I recently realized how envious I really am. I am so incredibly jealous of Tavo, and I really want to tell him how envious I am.
When he came to my house the other day, he was with Leo, and seeing them acting as best friends, like nothing had ever happened was just strange to me. Like everything was erased. Like the slate of their friendship was wiped completely and utterly clean. Like the present eroded the past and all its negativity.
It was strage, and new.
It made me completely and utterly envious.
Never, in all my life, has the same thing happened.
I have never undergone such a drastic cleaning of the past with a friend, with anyone BUT Tavo.
And it truly does make me jealous.
Every single time... Each and every time a "best friend" and I run into a problem, no matter how miniscule, it can never be washed away. Every time we "get over it," no amount of jokes or time spent together can wipe it all away. There are always the phantom memories of pain and insult remaining, reminding me of what was said, what was done.
It makes me wish that just one more time in my life, I could be a better judge of character.
It makes me wish I didn't find myself clinging so desperately to all the wrong people, the people who abuse me and move on, while I still dwell in the pain of the past.
Yeah, it sounds a little too dark and depressed, but it's the truth, and as we all know, the real truth is never sparkles and rainbows and boxes full of puppies and kitties.
And nobody truly thinks thoughts that happy, do they?
I digress.
All of these people who hurt and insult and injure - Our relationships are damaged and scarred, the filth of the past unable to be wiped or scraped away by any means.
Maybe it's just my fault for clinging to the past. I don't know.
Or maybe it's all the spite I have for the things my friend's said to me, all the things she's told me, totally obvlivious to the fact that it did hurt, and it did leave a terrible mark.
Maybe it's my intense inability to get over people that I actually give a damn about.
Or maybe Tavo's just good at forgetting the past, and the rest of the world sucks at it, like me.
There are tons of things it could be, but that won't change my envy.
